I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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