I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
