he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
