He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
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