We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
