In the future we'll all be gay
Yo dont text me then not text me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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