ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
