you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
