The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
