I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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