I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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