im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
