His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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