I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
