if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
i need to put some appletini on your dick
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
