I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
