wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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