Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
