I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize