The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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