all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
