Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
