How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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