I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
