I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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