I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
