I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
