Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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