It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
