The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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