i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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