My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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