I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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