Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
