I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
