yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
