You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
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