Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
