my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
