I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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