After last night, I could never be a politician.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize