Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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