if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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