he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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