you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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