so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
