dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Ladies don't puke and tell
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
