don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
