I'm really into asian looking animals
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
