He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
