trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
