homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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