sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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