Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
