had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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